Oui vous savez ce qui?
by duchess-missy
Summary: Bottom Line plain crap, completely pointless, a whole lotta insaneness madness CRAZYNESS! read at your own risk but do R&R but no bashing it is just some fun. Got a set of guidelines and wrote whatever the hell that came into my head...


WARNING AWOOGA AWOOGA- Okay this is what we call 'utter crap' Kat, JPC73 told me to write a story that had a set of guidelines, like her random story but is actually very hilarious unlike this one which will make a much sense as a interview with Bunny Swan (if you get that congratulations if not - bottom line it will be CRAZY MAN woooo)

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Here are the guidelines - Simon says:

1. James Cameron movie quote (I will have a few) 2. Scully has to have a different hair colour 3. Mulder has to dress up as someone they know 4. purple turtle 5. the words mytosis and osmosis 6. rotten apples 7. the word boob hahhahahaha 8. fairly pointless and ooc!! ohhh what fun and 9. I have decided to use some MadTv references

Yeah and it's really cheesy and smutty sorta hahah

RATING - yes and it has swearing so like M15

Disclaimer - I own nothing EXCEPT the purple turtle because he is mine, well technically my cats as it's a cat toy...okay moving on! some lines are from NCIS so no infringement intended there either.

Sorry if there is lots of spelling errors this is just random and I can't be bothered.

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Mulder sat patiently waiting for Scully to arrive with their usual take-out, Chinese. He had begun pegging sharpened pencils into the ceiling, sometimes on late nights he swore he could hear scuttling up there! He told Scully but she told him that he was a paranoid loser who needed to seriously get laid and Mulder unfortunetly had to agree. Being bold he had asked her if she would like to cure what ailed him, I mean she was a doctor after all. Mulder realized that talking to his partner in that manner would earn him a quick and sharp slap on the back of the head. The door the office started to open slowly and a bag carrying Scully entered, he could smell the food - glorious, glorious food.

Mulder smacked his lips as he leaned over the desk and grabbed his share from Scully.

'Thankshooo! Irr realleeey dooshh Schhhullly...' Scully watched in disgust as Mulder shoved food down his throat. She didn't feel very hungry anymore and was very angry that Mulder hadn't noticed her hair! She drew a random chair that appeared from who knows where and sat down at the desk with him, occasionally running her hand through her hair.

'Oi G-woman you got lice?' Mulder asked her as he sucked on his straw, 'HEY! Man that is so cool you got dessert, gotta love ya Scul!' Scully raised her eyebrows at him and he gave her light punch in the arm.

'Umm okay Mulder, yeah do you like my hair?' Scully asked hopefully ignoring the slurping sound that escaped his lips as he drank his Cola.

He gave her what he considered a charming smile and nodded quickly before grabbing the chocolate cake. As Scully smiled back she pulled a CD and put into their portable player. As the sound of Motion City Soundtrack filled the room Mulder laughed.

'Hey Scul, you thought of everything. Outstanding, all we need now is a pack of cards!' Mulder jumped from his chair and walked over to a random filling cabinet and withdrew a pack of cards. He turned to walk back and then suddenly smacker Scully up the back of the head as light bulb flicked on in his brain.

'I remember why I prepared this lovely evening now! It was so I could bribe you to do a autopsy for me,' Mulder picked up another random item or a file whatever you wanna call it and told Scully to get her 'little legs a moving down to the morgue'.

Scully sighed and gave a sarcastic salute, 'on your six Mulder!' and followed him to the lab.

It was down at auptosy that Mulder actually noticed Scully's hair. It wasn't it's usual red colour but freakin' black, long flowy black. Mulder actually looked at Scully as a women and not a partner, skeptic, cold, disbelieving, smart ass, debunking, tofutti eating partner. As Mulder's eyes traveled over her navy skirt and matching shirt he realized that she was actually really sexy and hot. Where the hell has he been? Scully was shrugging on a white lab coat and picked up the scalpel to start with the Y incision when she noticed Mulder was watching the wrong body.

'Hello?' Scully leaned forward and waved her hand in front of his face, but he was to busy looking down her shirt.

'Huh yeah hello...' Mulder just looked happily at Scully and proceeded. Mulder was still gazing at her cleavage when the asked for a tube.

'Boob? what tube yeah tube sorry - queasy? Yup hate dead bodies hate them I tell you Daaannnnaaaaa,' Scully was placing a blood sample in the the tube as he drawled out her name.

What the fuck was up with him today? Searching though the dead mans stomach contents she found he had eaten a bag of rotten apples, toothpaste for some reason and then the oddest thing a small purple fuzzy turtle. Scully picked itout and gave it a clean and placed it onto the examining table.

'What the fuck?!' was all Mulder had to say. Scully was examining the strange object when it decided to start vibrating and move around he table. As Scully jumped back Mulder leaned in closer.

'By George I've got it! This, my dear Watson is a X FILE dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN- ' Scully once again slapped him over the head.

"This is amazing, amazing Mulder this purple turtle is alive and it's a turtle AND it is purple therefore I believe that this might be a X Files!' Mulder opened his mouth to speak but the purple turtle mad e loud shrieking sound and suddenly purple fuzz begun to build up out of the sink. It was a small mountain of purple fuzz that glowed eerily in the dark morgue. Scully was staring slack jawed at the sink while Mulder let out a girly shriek and darted behind his G-Woman. The turtl made another sound and more turtles begun to escape out of the mountain thingo majigy.

'Scullllllyyyyyyy! Man what if it's like a ant hive?' Mulder squealed.

Scully responded to his idiocy, 'Mulder bees, man. Bees have hives!'

God he was thick and she must be hallucinating.

But Mulder continued he voice getting higher,' and there are millions and BILLIONS and they worship a evil Lord who wants revenge! Scully one of us is going die! FUCK I don't want to die!' Mulder jumping around trying to avoid the turtle that seemed to be closing in around them.

'Tchaaa you know what? Uh- huh your going to dieeeeee!' one of the little turtles said, well squealed in a girly voice.

'That's it man, game over man, game over! What the fuck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do? SCULLY YOUR THE SMART ASS BE SMART!' Mulder yelled at his partner.

'Maybe we could build a fire, sing a couple of songs, huh? Why don't we try that?' she said sarcastically, 'Look that one just multiplied into more, mytosis!'

'Osmosis, mymosis, me me mo me moo ... meow?' Mulder just rambled untill, 'I HAVE GOT IT ... again.' He quickly darted into a storage room and came out dressed as CSM, he was even smoking. He looked over at Scully whom he now found exceedingly attractive and walked over to her.

She whispered in his ear, 'what the hell do you think your doing Mulder?'

'Well, all evil things are controlled by old smokey so I think they will listen to me if they believe I am he who smokes!'

Scully stared disbelievingly at him.

'Yes I know great plan eh?' He placed his hands in his pockets and looked at her with a mysterious smile. The multiplying turtles finally stoped and looked at the two Agents with there beady eyes and started to buzz together as a giant, well not giant but compared to the other turtles it was giant, purple turtle arose from the fuzz mountain in the labs sink. With quick moves it came over to Mulder and Scully, ready to attack however a purple turtle did.

Mulder knew he was doomed the minute Scully had pronounced the man had eaten a bag full of rotten apples and toothepaste. He tried his best maintain his CSM look but his body couldn't handle the cigeretteh he was trying to smoke mysteriously. So he ripped off his CSM clothing and the wig he had been sporting and was not back into his normal casual clothes.

'How the he-' Scully was quitened by the presence of one of Mulder's fingers covering her red lips.

Mulder drew out his gun while smirking at Scully, 'I like to keep this handy for close encounters.' HE shot at the advancing turtle and it turned over on it's little back legs avin in the air before it died. All the surrounding turtles seeemed to be controlled by the "giant, now dead turtle' and all slowly started to die randomly. This puzzled both the porn maniac and now sexy doctor.

As Mulder lay his throbbing head the soft pillow on his couch he swore he heard a sound but ignored it all the same. What a weird day it had been, thankgod they had gotten rid of the evil turtles! He snuggled more closely into his pillow and tried to drift of to sleep but he felt something sit on his head. His breath hitched in his throat as it moved closer to his forhead and then a tiny purple head came into view and there was the sound of high pitched annoying girl voice.

"Tcha, you know what?Uh-uh! No sleeping for youuuuuuuuu."

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oh please fo not turn into a mob come find me and kill me please!!!! yeah R&R but I don't want no shit it was just a bit of fun:P 


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